What kills the self confidence?
When I asked this question from normal people and the psychologists I interviewed, more than sixty percent said that the confidence is not something to be killed. It is something that exist in our genes and either we have it or not. And as a result “we can’t kill self-confidence nor we can create it”. About thirty percent of the participants said that confidence killers are all external things like society, family, friends, school, university, work environment, TV, social media, club and etc. About five percent had no idea and the other five percent said that the confidence killers are all internal things like our thoughts, beliefs, self-talk, self-esteem, and self-respect.
First, I want you to know that self-confidence is not an absolute characteristic that cannot be changed. Quite opposite, it is something that we can change, we can create it, boost it, and also we can decrease it or even kill it. But how?
In the future posts, we will discover the myths about the self-confidence and will talk in details about the proven ways and strategies to create and boost self-confidence. But for now I want to answer this question: What kills the self-confidence?
To answer this question, I want to put all the above answers into three categories:
- Unknown things: about sixty percent of the people I interviewed believed that the self-confidence exists is our genes or our DNA if you will. So it is inherited. This is one of the myths that most people believe in. We will talk about this myth and prove that it is not right by talking about the confidence kid inside us. For now, I want you to know that self-confidence is not inherited. But those people who have mental disorders or problems are exception for this. Because they have no control over it.
- Others: including TV, radio, social media, movies, friends, school, society and etc.:
About thirty percent of the people believe that what other people say to us determines our level of self-confidence. So if they say positive things about us, our level of self-confidence will boost and if they say negative things our level of self-confidence will drop. For example, our level of confidence would dramatically have dropped if our parents have repeatedly said things like:
- Do not do that.
- That is dangerous.
- You can’t do it yourself.
- Let me do it for you.
- You are so weak to do that.
- You can’t do anything right.
- You are stupid.
- You cannot succeed.
- You don’t have what it takes.
- Do not take risk.
And on the other hand, our level of confidence would raise if our parents have said things like:
- That’s OK. Try it.
- Do not worry if you fail.
- Give it a try. You can do it.
- I believe in you.
- You are so brave.
- You are always right.
- You are the most genius kid ever.
- You have all it takes.
- Always take risks.
Well, these things are effective to some level. But they do not determine our personality and our life. We are not robots to be completely in control of other people. We ourselves, can control our life and change whatever we do not want. Let me tell you a story.
One day Buddha was walking through a village teaching Dharma. A very angry and rude young man belong to another group of believers came up and began insulting him:
“You have no right teaching others,” he shouted. “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake.”
Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead, he asked the young man,
“Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?”
The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered,
“It would belong to me, because I bought the gift.”
The Buddha smiled and said,
“That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.”
This story is true in every aspect of our life. We must keep in our mind that although other people, their beliefs, and their opinion of us can affect our personality and our reality, they cannot determine it. Because we are not marionette puppets to be in complete control of external things. We will talk about the only power that has the authority to control, determine, and change our personality and reality.
Until our next article, please go ahead and ask me anything you want to know, and let’s remember to embrace change, be bold and confident in each and every moment of our lives…